Ten years later…
“Ben?” I
heard Elaine called from the living room. I was at the kitchen, baking a cake. Believe
it or not Elaine doesn’t cook at all, can’t even crack an egg right. During my
off duty, I bake cakes for our bake shop and Elaine was the one who stays at
the shop. We have a baker actually, but I’m a better baker than him, though his
pastries aren’t that bad. Elaine entered the kitchen and gave me a kiss on my
lips. “I told you not to bake here; we have ovens of the bake shop.” She just
came from the bake shop.
“I know,
but I’m trying to bake a new one and I don’t want to do an experiment on the
bakeshop, we only have a tiny space on the kitchen at the bakeshop.”
Elaine
survived the delivery of the baby. Of course we’re so happy when our little
Lily came. My sweet Lily, such a beautiful girl and I’m not saying that because
I’m her father. At six, Elaine enrolled her to a ballet class and at eight Lily
asked me if she can have a piano lesson. Now that she’s ten years old she wants
to learn how to play violin and guitar.
I took my
apron off and washed my hands after I covered the cake with icing and
sprinkles.
The phone
rang. I heard Elaine picking up the receiver.
“Hello,”
she greeted the caller. “Who is this? Jeremy? Wait, I’ll give the phone to
Kyle.”
I was
actually shocked with that. Jeremy hasn’t called me for quite some time, maybe
a year or two. Elaine met Amanda and Jeremy on our wedding day, and since our
wedding, Jeremy always invites us for dinner or an out of town and considering
the fact that Lily and Harold, Amanda and Jeremy’s son, are entering the same
school.
“Jeremy’s
on the phone,” Elaine told me. “I think it’s urgent,” She mouthed.
I took the
receiver from her, “Hello,” and my whole body shook as the words come rapidly
from Jeremy.
*
* *
I came as
soon as I can with Elaine at the hospital where Amanda was admitted. I don’t
know what to think. Jeremy’s words keeps on repeating inside my head. I need you to come here, Amanda’s dying. I
don’t know what exactly did he say after that, my knees weakened and I heard
nothing but the slow and shallow breaths.
“Jer!” I
called Jeremy as soon as we saw him on the hall. He smiled at us, he look older
than the last time I saw him, dark circles around his eyes and thickening beard
and mustache on his face.“What happened?”
“Let’s sit
down,” he said. We sat on the bench beside the hall and Elaine gestured to
enter Amanda’s room to give us privacy.
“What
happened?” I asked again.
“Amanda’s
sick,” he said. “She was diagnosed with leukemia five years ago. We could have
done something it was diagnosed during it’s early stage but… but it was too
late.”
I didn’t
say something. I just stared at him, my brows almost meeting at the center of
my forehead.
“She told
me not to tell anyone about this. ‘If I’m going to die then I don’t want anyone
to know my sufferings,’ she said. So we never told you or anyone. But during
last Christmas, Amanda fainted at her Aunt and Uncle’s house. They freaked out.
Thus I have no choice but to tell them what happened.
“Since
then, the doctor never let Amanda to get out of this hospital,” Jeremy said.
They spent ten months here at the hospital? “When I go to work, her aunt will
take care of her and uncle will take care of Harold. We spent all our savings,
and now Dad’s saying for our hospital bills.”
“I’m sorry
I wasn’t able to help during your darkest days,” I said.
“It’s okay,
you couldn’t have done anything to change her situation anyway,” he said.
“Yesterday, her doctor was very frank with me and told me that it will take a
miracle for her to live until January. I’m so afraid to lose her. I don’t want
to lose her.”
I don’t
know what to say.
“And I want
to tell you something,” he said. “Something I already knew but I didn’t want to
give a damn with it. I know that it’s you… its y-you whom she really loves. She
never looked at me the same way she looks at you. I know that after all this
years she kept a special place for you in her heart.
“Sometimes,
during her sleep, I can hear her calling your name very softly. It was killing
me, you see, but after sometime I learned how to let that go. I called you to
come here for a reason,” he said. “I want to ask you if you feel something for
Amanda too.”
I stared at
him with wide eyes. My mouth opened itself and my tongue said the words
involuntarily, “What are you saying? Of c-course I don’t.”
“It’s
useless to lie to me,” Jeremy said. “I know you do.”
I closed my
eyes and put my hands on my face, trying to compose myself.
“When you
enter that room and find yourself alone with her, I want you to tell her what
you feel,” he said.
Before I could react he continued, “Before she dies, I want
her to know that the man she truly loves feels the same way for her.”
*
* *
Jeremy and
I entered Amanda’s room. Amanda look at me, she’s pale and looks very sick. She
gave me a weak smile and she reached for my hand with hers. “I’m so happy to
see you again.”
I sat
beside her and we just stared at each other, both smiling.
“Hey, look
at the time, it’s almost eleven o’clock. I bet you guys haven’t eaten lunch
yet,” Jeremy said cheerfully. “Elaine, let’s eat lunch while Ben watch over
Amanda? He hasn’t done his role as our best friend yet here at the hospital!”
Elaine
grinned and I told her to go. Amanda’s Aunt and Uncle told her to come too and
she obediently followed them.
When we’re
alone, Amanda gripped my hand. “How are you?”
“I should
be the one to ask you that,” I reminded her. “How are you?”
Amanda
laughed. “As you can see, I’m not feeling well. But in general, I’m okay.”
I gave her
a weak smile and I took her hand and held it firmly between mine. For a while,
we just stayed like that – we’re looking at each other’s eyes, weak smiles, and
listening to the silence that surrounded us.
“Do you
want to say something?” I asked her.
“I have a
lot of things to say…” Amanda said; her voice almost inaudible. She closed her
eyes, when I didn’t say anything, she continued. “I have regrets in life, Ben.
There are nights that I ask myself what if you’re the one who sits with me at
the porch every afternoon instead of Jeremy? What if you feel the same way that
I feel for you? There are nights that I can’t stop thinking about you.
“I don’t
want you to think that I don’t love Jeremy. I love him. And I love you, too.
There’s a huge space in my heart that no one can fill in but you and only you.”
A tear fell
from my eye and she snorted. “You’re crying? Did you know that when a woman can
make a man laugh it means that the man likes him, but when a woman makes a man
cry it—”
“—it means
that he loves her. More than anything,” I continued. “Amanda, I, too, has
something to tell you. Something I should have said when we’re younger, something
I should have said that night.” The smile faded from her lips, she looked at me
with curious gaze.
“I…” I can’t
even say what I want to say. “I… I really don’t know where to start.”
“When you
don’t know where to start, it’s always best to try to begin from the beginning,”
she said.
I took a
deep breath and tried to think where to start. “That morning, when your bike
fell as I park my bike beside it, something other than bike fell. I did. For you.
“I love you
since the day I first laid my eyes on you. I love you for no reason at all. I
like everything about you, I love everything about you. But I was so stupid
that I never grabbed the chance of having you. And I still do. I still love
you.”
Tears fell
from Amanda’s eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me then?”
“Because he loves you, too. And because I was so
afraid.”
“You’re too
sheepish,” she said.
“I guess
so.”
“I know so.”
“I have
regrets too,” I said. “I wish I never let him out of our house without even
telling him that I like you too, and I am ready to compete with him to win your
heart. You don’t know how it feels when I see him kiss you, when everyone talks
about you being such a perfect couple. You don’t know how it killed me when you
told me that you said yes to Jeremy when he asked you if you could be her girl
friend.
“But when
you told me that night what you feel towards me, I wanted to take you away. I
wanted to take you from him, and I wanted to tell you how much I love you. And
I wish I did.”
Despite her
weakness, she exerted all her effort and reach for me. She held me and I
embraced her tightly.
“You’re my dream,” she said.
“And you we’re
mine.”
We let go
of each other and let our hearts take over our body. We kissed for the first
time. And that too, was my last kiss for the girl I love the most.
Friendship
was the foundation of our relationship, the three of us. But when we graduated
and tried to establish our lives and reach for our goals, it seems that we
never really worked out to re-establish our relationship. After that first
visit, I and my wife visited often to the hospital. Whenever I’m with them, I
feel so young again and it seemed that all the experience I had in the world
faces away for awhile. But it only lasted for a short while.
Amanda died
after three months. After her death, Jeremy had a rough time dealing with the
fact that her wife is gone. He worked himself out, trying not to think of
Amanda’s absence. Whenever I ask him if he’s okay, he always says “Yes, I have
to, for Harold. He lost a mother, and I don’t want him to lose a father.”
No one
expected him to be okay soon, and it was a good sign that he’s trying to get
through the day for his son. Harold is all that he’s got from Amanda. It’s
never impossible to move on, no matter how hard it is for everyone. The grief
will lessen in the right time and it may never go away completely, but at least
the pain will lessen and it won’t be so overwhelming.
