Early in the Morning

The sun is rising slowly from the east; the neighbours are cooking breakfast, feeding their chickens, goats and pigs, an old man looking after his granddaughter while I sip cold iced tea on a mug. I know I should be drinking hot coffee or hot chocolate instead, but I like iced tea more for breakfast.

It’s early in the morning, I need to go to school, yet here I am sitting on a couch, unprepared to go to school. I know that I will see her later this morning at school. But I don’t want to see her. The pain was still here in my chest, maybe it won’t leave me for a while. I shouldn’t be acting this way, she’s not my girl friend, and she’s just my friend. Why can’t I accept the truth? When will I stop acting this way?

It feels like I’m in the middle of the sea, I have no choice but to float or I’ll drown. But if I’m in that situation literally, I’m willing to drown... just so you can see how devastated I am. I’m, I’m not supposed to feel this way, I’ve seen the two of you before, but why does that moment became so vivid in my memory, that memory of you laughing and smiling with him... one thing that you can’t do with me... one thing that I never seen in your face before.

Maybe this is our destiny, not to be together. I didn’t see this coming, our future was so clear to me 9 months ago. We’re both going to the same university for our college, and maybe I’ll have a chance on you, and prove that I’m the man that’ll love you forever, the man that will take care of you until were old and gray. But this, I wasn’t able to foresee these things; I wasn’t able to see and realize what you really feel. Now I’m giving up destiny, there’s no such thing as destiny, now I should hold on to my own free will, make some decision that I might or might not regret.

Fear, sorrow, broken heart, and devastated; that’s how I feel right now. I want to see you, yet my heart’s not yet ready, I want to talk to you, but my lips were sealed, I want to hold you, but my arms are tied, I want to think about you, but my mind is close, I want to keep you here in my heart, but it’s too broken... I can’t put you to place that are not even working.

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Early in the Morning

The sun is rising slowly from the east; the neighbours are cooking breakfast, feeding their chickens, goats and pigs, an old man looking after his granddaughter while I sip cold iced tea on a mug. I know I should be drinking hot coffee or hot chocolate instead, but I like iced tea more for breakfast.

It’s early in the morning, I need to go to school, yet here I am sitting on a couch, unprepared to go to school. I know that I will see her later this morning at school. But I don’t want to see her. The pain was still here in my chest, maybe it won’t leave me for a while. I shouldn’t be acting this way, she’s not my girl friend, and she’s just my friend. Why can’t I accept the truth? When will I stop acting this way?

It feels like I’m in the middle of the sea, I have no choice but to float or I’ll drown. But if I’m in that situation literally, I’m willing to drown... just so you can see how devastated I am. I’m, I’m not supposed to feel this way, I’ve seen the two of you before, but why does that moment became so vivid in my memory, that memory of you laughing and smiling with him... one thing that you can’t do with me... one thing that I never seen in your face before.

Maybe this is our destiny, not to be together. I didn’t see this coming, our future was so clear to me 9 months ago. We’re both going to the same university for our college, and maybe I’ll have a chance on you, and prove that I’m the man that’ll love you forever, the man that will take care of you until were old and gray. But this, I wasn’t able to foresee these things; I wasn’t able to see and realize what you really feel. Now I’m giving up destiny, there’s no such thing as destiny, now I should hold on to my own free will, make some decision that I might or might not regret.

Fear, sorrow, broken heart, and devastated; that’s how I feel right now. I want to see you, yet my heart’s not yet ready, I want to talk to you, but my lips were sealed, I want to hold you, but my arms are tied, I want to think about you, but my mind is close, I want to keep you here in my heart, but it’s too broken... I can’t put you to place that are not even working.

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Gone Back to my Old Passion

Writer na naman ako. Kaysa naman sa ibuhos ko ang mga emosyon ko sa kabitteran at pag-iyak, eh di ibuhos ko nalang yung emosyon ko sa pagsusulat. I need to use these pain, these love and these inspirations to make another master piece. Wala naman kasi akong mapapala if blog lang ako ng blog about sa love life kong wala naming pinakikitunguhan diba? Dito nalang ako sa pagsusulat, marami pa akong naeentertain at napapasaya, naisheshare ko din ang talent ko sa ibang tao

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Worth it pa ba?

Worth it pa ba? Worth it pa ba na maghintay ako sa iyo? Pati sarili ko hindi ko na mapaniwala... hindi ko na mapaniwalang kayak o pang hintayin ka. Oo, mahal parin kita, kaso sa nakikita ko, nasasaktan lang ako. Masiyado mo siyang mahal, that leaves me with nothing... ang tanging puwang ko diyan sa puso mo ay isang kaibigan. Lagi nalang ganinto, ililihim ko, masasaktan ako, babalakin kong sabihin, may pipigil din. Siguro nga, we’re not meant to be. Maybe it’s only my illusion, illusion na one day you can love me the way I love you, the way I want you to love me. Matagal ko nang pinapangarap na soon you’ll realize na I’m the one for you, na I’m the person you’ll love with all your heart and soul. Kaso, ang salitang “mahal kita” ay kapos pa rin para sabihin kong “maghihintay ako.”

Alam ko, I promised you na “I’m here to stay,” I know that you know it means something, because it’s my synesthesia — my shining metallic words. Pero paano ko pa bibigyan ng rason ang sarili kong maghintay, kung ikaw mismo ang nagpaparamdam sa aking wala na dapat akong hintayin pa. Pagod na rin akong magbulag-bulagan pa sa mga totoong nararamdaman mo — pagkailang sa akin habang sumasayaw noong prom, pagbabalewala sa rosas na inialay ko saiyo noong gabing iyon, pagbibigay sa akin ng blangkong reaksyon nang sabihin kong “I’m here to stay” at pagluha mo para sa kanya. Ano pa ba ang dapat kong makita at maramdaman para lang sabihin kong “enough?”

Marami na akong sinakripisyo para sa pagmamahal ko para sa iyo, ngayon pa ba ako susuko? Ngayon pa ba ako mag-gi-give up? Tama bang sabihing “It’s over! You’re over, the game is done and you loose... because you quited.”

Hindi ko pingsisisihan ang lahat ng inilaan ko para sa iyo — ang oras ko, ang pagmamahal ko, at ang kaluluwa ko. Lahat iyon inilaan ko nang walang pakundangan, maipadama ko lang sa iyo na totoo ang pag-ibig ko, na bukal ito at walang halong kung ano pa man. Handa kong gawin ang lahat sa iyo, ipagpalit ko man ang buhay ko para lang maprotektahan ka, ipagpalit ang buhay na walang hanggan makasama ka lang hanggang kamatayan, o maging immortal para makasama ka hanggang sa walang hanggan.

Sana, dumating ang araw na malaman mong minamahal kita, na ang pag-ibig ko sayo’y wagas  na kahit sa dulo ng walang hanggan hindi ko kalilimutan. Isa lang masasabi ko, I won’t give this up... you’re the only girl that made me feel this way, you’re the first girl that made me shed tears. I’m here to stay, I’m here for you until the end of time... I love you.

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Damuhan

Ilang lingo na ang nakakaraan, nanaginip ako. Nasa isang malawak na damuhan daw ako, walang matatanaw sa kalayuan kundi hamog at damo, at maraming alitaptap ang lumilipad na iba’t iba ang kulay ng ilaw sa paligid. Sa lugar na ito, kasama ko ang mga kaibigan ko, at kung tama ang natatandaan ko, may mga taong nakaputi at mahahaba ang buhok. At sa di kalayuan, may isang maliit na kantina. Hindi ko alam kung bakit may ganoon, nakatayo ito sa tabi ng dike na napupuno ng damuhan. Pagpasok ko sa loob, may isang taong naghihintay, maasikaso siya at mabait.

Ngunit kagabi, nakabalik ako sa lugar na iyon. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakabalik sa lugar na iyon samantalang sa panaginip lang ito. Tinawag lang ba ako ng mga engkanto sa lugar na iyon habang akoy nananaginip? O sadyang malikhain lang ang aking utak, ang sagot ay hindi ko alam.

Sa panaginip ko kagabi, magkasama kami ng babaeng mahal ko. Natapilok siya at hindi makalakad. Nagmadali akong humingi ng tulong sa loob ng kantina, hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan kong magmadali, marahil ay may nagbabadyang panganib. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang panganib. Pagpasok ko sa loob, hindi ko maalalang tinulungan ako ng taong nagbabantay sa kantina, at nang subukan kong patunugin ang mga daliri ko, isa-isa silang naputol, at sa bawat isang daliring napuputol, napapalitan ng dalawang daliri ang mga ito, maliliit at payat. Nag panik ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko, napuno ng pandidiri at pagkatakot ang puso ko, hindi ko alam ang gagawin hanggang sa...

...Imulat ko ang aking mata at bilangin ang aking mga daliri. Tama, sampu parin ang aking mga daliri, lima sa bawat kamay. At sa mga oras na isinusulat ko ang blog na ito sa Microsoft word, binilang ko ang daliri ko sa paa, walang labis walang kulang, sampu parin sila.

Gusto kong makabalik sa lugar, gusto kong malaman ang hiwagang bumabalot dito. Sana lang ay panaginip lang iyon at hindi nababalutan ng kababalaghan.

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My Synesthesia

Sabi nila, napakatanga ko para mahalin ang isang babaeng hindi naman ako mahal. And so? Hindi naman sila yung nakakaramdam ng ganito eh, ano ba ang pakialam nila. Sabi rin nila hindi nila gagawin ang maghintay ng ganito katagal tulad ko, eh bakit ba? Lahat naman tayo nagmamahal, magkakaiba lang ng paraan, ganoon sila magmahal, ganito naman ako.

Hindi ako nauubusan ng pag-asa na one day mamahalin din niya ako. Tinanong ako ng best friend ko if tingin ko may gusto siya sa akin. “Sa tingin ko wala, ayokong mag-assume, pero sana oo. Pero alam kong mahal na mahal niya ang boy friend niya.” Tinanong din niya ako if binalak ko na bang sabihin. “Ilang beses kong binalak, pero hindi ako makadecide. Inisip kong sa prom night, pero baka masira lang ang gabi ko, or sa graduation, pero natatakotnakong baka yun pa ang rason para masira yung special day ko. Hindi ko naman inaasahang mag I Love You Too siya sa akin eh, ang gusto ko lang malaman niya. Pero I’ still willing to wait, after college man or may be kung kalian sasabihin ng panahon na oras na para malaman niya.”

I won’t give her the three sweetest word that a girl wants to hear, I won’t tell her “I Love You” yet, I would simply tell her my four simple words, words that are composed of my promise and my whole heart and soul — “I’m Here To Stay.” That’s my synesthesia

Martyr nga siguro ako, pero hindi ko yun ikakahiya. Hindi naman ako talagang nagpapakamartyr eh, naghihintay lang ako. Package deal lang yung sakit. I may not be the one who holds her heart; at least she has my heart even if she’s unaware of it. I will love her for eternity, I will never forget the girl who made my heart pound, my first love, my last dance on the most memorable prom in my life, my eternity, my forever.

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