Chapter 11 - Best of Friends

I went back to our hometown after Lily’s High School graduation. It’s been six years since Amanda died. My parents – yes, thank God they’re still alive – wanted me to have our old house renovated. They wanted to come home and said that they wanted to spend the remaining years of their lives where they build a family.

So I went home. The house was still standing; the garden needs a new garden gnome. The house can still be used. You just have to repaint the walls and ceiling, repair some of the wooden furniture and the wood floor boards and make sure that the stairs won’t fall if someone tries to climb it.

I tried to find some people whom can I hire to renovate the house, some carpenters maybe. I found out that they’re not so hard to find.

This town didn’t change that much. I wanted to leave this town before as soon as I graduate from our local college, but now I realize that here I am home.

I went to the garage and saw my old bike. I took a tour downtown and saw the houses of my old friends. Jeremy’s house was still standing, his parents still lives in town and his dad was the Mayor ten years ago. But the place that I really wanted to see was the short cut.

The short cut is still there, I guess they still use this place when students are running late for school or when they want to have a campfire. I entered the thicket. It didn’t change at all. It’s still the same place that I can see from my memory.

I stopped at the intersection. If I follow the path on my left, it will lead me directly to the road that leads to the market place and to the town. I turned right. This path leads directly to our local college where I graduated, where I met Amanda.

The school, like the rest of the town, didn’t change that much except that I don’t know any students, but the teachers are the ones I recognized, they’re the same people I went to school with.

Life has a very funny way of making you realize that it is beautiful. I have a great life. I have a loving wife that I love and can’t imagine tomorrow without her, a daughter I love above all, and a comfortable life. I can remember a line from the movie The Bucket List, It's difficult to understand the sum of a person's life. Some people will tell you it's measured by the ones left behind. Some believe it can be measured in faith. Some say by love. Other folks say life has no meaning at all. Me? I believe you measure yourself by the people who measured themselves by you.

On the same movie, it was mentioned that Egyptians believed that when they die, there are two questions that they need to answer and it will determine where they belong. The first is “Did you find joy in your life?” I did. I found joy in my life. Even though me and Amanda never had the ending we wanted, even if it was too late when we told I love you to one another, I still found joy in my life. And that joy is Elaine and Lily.

The second question is “Did your life brought joy to others?” I really don’t know what to say. I really hope that it brought joy to my friends, to my wife and to my beloved daughter

I parked my bike on the usual spot where I used to leave it on chains. I closed my eyes and heard another bike stumble behind me. It was like I turned back in time, I picked the bike and make it stand.

“Hey,” a voice said behind me. I turned and saw a girl, she has black hair that extends up to her deltoid, and her face was so beautiful... “Thanks for making my bike stand for me.”

“No-no, it’s okay!” I said quickly, my voice trembling. My heart is pounding abnormally on my chest; I can feel that my face is now filled with blood enough to make it red. Gee, this girl sure is beautiful.

She extend her hand towards me, clearly she wants a hand shake. “I’m Amanda Pierce.” I took her hand, it’s soft but thin. “I’m Benedict.” I said. “Kyle Benedict Belleza.”

I smiled from the vivid memory. I opened my eyes and grind. It sure is nostalgic here, but then they’re just memories now. I still have the rest of my life in front of me and when I die and if I shall live another life I will find Amanda again and I’ll never let her go.

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Chapter 10 - Best Of Friends

Ten years later…

“Ben?” I heard Elaine called from the living room. I was at the kitchen, baking a cake. Believe it or not Elaine doesn’t cook at all, can’t even crack an egg right. During my off duty, I bake cakes for our bake shop and Elaine was the one who stays at the shop. We have a baker actually, but I’m a better baker than him, though his pastries aren’t that bad. Elaine entered the kitchen and gave me a kiss on my lips. “I told you not to bake here; we have ovens of the bake shop.” She just came from the bake shop.

“I know, but I’m trying to bake a new one and I don’t want to do an experiment on the bakeshop, we only have a tiny space on the kitchen at the bakeshop.”

Elaine survived the delivery of the baby. Of course we’re so happy when our little Lily came. My sweet Lily, such a beautiful girl and I’m not saying that because I’m her father. At six, Elaine enrolled her to a ballet class and at eight Lily asked me if she can have a piano lesson. Now that she’s ten years old she wants to learn how to play violin and guitar.

I took my apron off and washed my hands after I covered the cake with icing and sprinkles.

The phone rang. I heard Elaine picking up the receiver.

“Hello,” she greeted the caller. “Who is this? Jeremy? Wait, I’ll give the phone to Kyle.”

I was actually shocked with that. Jeremy hasn’t called me for quite some time, maybe a year or two. Elaine met Amanda and Jeremy on our wedding day, and since our wedding, Jeremy always invites us for dinner or an out of town and considering the fact that Lily and Harold, Amanda and Jeremy’s son, are entering the same school.

“Jeremy’s on the phone,” Elaine told me. “I think it’s urgent,” She mouthed.

I took the receiver from her, “Hello,” and my whole body shook as the words come rapidly from Jeremy.

*     *     *

 I came as soon as I can with Elaine at the hospital where Amanda was admitted. I don’t know what to think. Jeremy’s words keeps on repeating inside my head. I need you to come here, Amanda’s dying. I don’t know what exactly did he say after that, my knees weakened and I heard nothing but the slow and shallow breaths.

“Jer!” I called Jeremy as soon as we saw him on the hall. He smiled at us, he look older than the last time I saw him, dark circles around his eyes and thickening beard and mustache on his face.“What happened?”

“Let’s sit down,” he said. We sat on the bench beside the hall and Elaine gestured to enter Amanda’s room to give us privacy.

“What happened?” I asked again.

“Amanda’s sick,” he said. “She was diagnosed with leukemia five years ago. We could have done something it was diagnosed during it’s early stage but… but it was too late.”

I didn’t say something. I just stared at him, my brows almost meeting at the center of my forehead.

“She told me not to tell anyone about this. ‘If I’m going to die then I don’t want anyone to know my sufferings,’ she said. So we never told you or anyone. But during last Christmas, Amanda fainted at her Aunt and Uncle’s house. They freaked out. Thus I have no choice but to tell them what happened.

“Since then, the doctor never let Amanda to get out of this hospital,” Jeremy said. They spent ten months here at the hospital? “When I go to work, her aunt will take care of her and uncle will take care of Harold. We spent all our savings, and now Dad’s saying for our hospital bills.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help during your darkest days,” I said.

“It’s okay, you couldn’t have done anything to change her situation anyway,” he said. “Yesterday, her doctor was very frank with me and told me that it will take a miracle for her to live until January. I’m so afraid to lose her. I don’t want to lose her.”

I don’t know what to say.

“And I want to tell you something,” he said. “Something I already knew but I didn’t want to give a damn with it. I know that it’s you… its y-you whom she really loves. She never looked at me the same way she looks at you. I know that after all this years she kept a special place for you in her heart.

“Sometimes, during her sleep, I can hear her calling your name very softly. It was killing me, you see, but after sometime I learned how to let that go. I called you to come here for a reason,” he said. “I want to ask you if you feel something for Amanda too.”

I stared at him with wide eyes. My mouth opened itself and my tongue said the words involuntarily, “What are you saying? Of c-course I don’t.”

“It’s useless to lie to me,” Jeremy said. “I know you do.”

I closed my eyes and put my hands on my face, trying to compose myself.

“When you enter that room and find yourself alone with her, I want you to tell her what you feel,” he said. 

Before I could react he continued, “Before she dies, I want her to know that the man she truly loves feels the same way for her.”

*     *     *

Jeremy and I entered Amanda’s room. Amanda look at me, she’s pale and looks very sick. She gave me a weak smile and she reached for my hand with hers. “I’m so happy to see you again.”

I sat beside her and we just stared at each other, both smiling.

“Hey, look at the time, it’s almost eleven o’clock. I bet you guys haven’t eaten lunch yet,” Jeremy said cheerfully. “Elaine, let’s eat lunch while Ben watch over Amanda? He hasn’t done his role as our best friend yet here at the hospital!”

Elaine grinned and I told her to go. Amanda’s Aunt and Uncle told her to come too and she obediently followed them.

When we’re alone, Amanda gripped my hand. “How are you?”

“I should be the one to ask you that,” I reminded her. “How are you?”

Amanda laughed. “As you can see, I’m not feeling well. But in general, I’m okay.”

I gave her a weak smile and I took her hand and held it firmly between mine. For a while, we just stayed like that – we’re looking at each other’s eyes, weak smiles, and listening to the silence that surrounded us.

“Do you want to say something?” I asked her.

“I have a lot of things to say…” Amanda said; her voice almost inaudible. She closed her eyes, when I didn’t say anything, she continued. “I have regrets in life, Ben. There are nights that I ask myself what if you’re the one who sits with me at the porch every afternoon instead of Jeremy? What if you feel the same way that I feel for you? There are nights that I can’t stop thinking about you.

“I don’t want you to think that I don’t love Jeremy. I love him. And I love you, too. There’s a huge space in my heart that no one can fill in but you and only you.”

A tear fell from my eye and she snorted. “You’re crying? Did you know that when a woman can make a man laugh it means that the man likes him, but when a woman makes a man cry it—”

“—it means that he loves her. More than anything,” I continued. “Amanda, I, too, has something to tell you. Something I should have said when we’re younger, something I should have said that night.” The smile faded from her lips, she looked at me with curious gaze.

“I…” I can’t even say what I want to say. “I… I really don’t know where to start.”

“When you don’t know where to start, it’s always best to try to begin from the beginning,” she said.

I took a deep breath and tried to think where to start. “That morning, when your bike fell as I park my bike beside it, something other than bike fell. I did. For you.

“I love you since the day I first laid my eyes on you. I love you for no reason at all. I like everything about you, I love everything about you. But I was so stupid that I never grabbed the chance of having you. And I still do. I still love you.”

Tears fell from Amanda’s eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me then?”

“Because he loves you, too. And because I was so afraid.”

“You’re too sheepish,” she said.

“I guess so.”

“I know so.”

“I have regrets too,” I said. “I wish I never let him out of our house without even telling him that I like you too, and I am ready to compete with him to win your heart. You don’t know how it feels when I see him kiss you, when everyone talks about you being such a perfect couple. You don’t know how it killed me when you told me that you said yes to Jeremy when he asked you if you could be her girl friend.

“But when you told me that night what you feel towards me, I wanted to take you away. I wanted to take you from him, and I wanted to tell you how much I love you. And I wish I did.”

Despite her weakness, she exerted all her effort and reach for me. She held me and I embraced her tightly. 

“You’re my dream,” she said.

“And you we’re mine.”

We let go of each other and let our hearts take over our body. We kissed for the first time. And that too, was my last kiss for the girl I love the most.

Friendship was the foundation of our relationship, the three of us. But when we graduated and tried to establish our lives and reach for our goals, it seems that we never really worked out to re-establish our relationship. After that first visit, I and my wife visited often to the hospital. Whenever I’m with them, I feel so young again and it seemed that all the experience I had in the world faces away for awhile. But it only lasted for a short while.

Amanda died after three months. After her death, Jeremy had a rough time dealing with the fact that her wife is gone. He worked himself out, trying not to think of Amanda’s absence. Whenever I ask him if he’s okay, he always says “Yes, I have to, for Harold. He lost a mother, and I don’t want him to lose a father.”

No one expected him to be okay soon, and it was a good sign that he’s trying to get through the day for his son. Harold is all that he’s got from Amanda. It’s never impossible to move on, no matter how hard it is for everyone. The grief will lessen in the right time and it may never go away completely, but at least the pain will lessen and it won’t be so overwhelming.

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Chapter 9 - Best of Friends

It was as if everything happened in a dream.

Eight years ago, I graduated from college and everything has changed. After I got my license, I worked at a hospital abroad and saved some money for my future and sent some to help my parents with their day to day expenses even if they don’t want me and my sister to give them money. They always insist that the money we’re sending them was for our future kids. After a while we we’re able to buy some land at my Mum’s hometown and after two years, the land became a ranch. My Mum always wanted a quiet life in a farm and having her own ranch. It wasn’t that big actually and its maintenance wasn’t that cheap either. But when I was working abroad, I met and befriended with a resident doctor on the hospital I used to work on. Dr. Lance Vergara, together with my sister and I, founded a school for mentally challenge kids which gives us a lot of problems as much as it gives us income.

Now, I have my own house here at the city, far from my family and friends. My sister got married three years ago and I’m single… again. I had a girlfriend three years after the graduation, but we broke up after two years because of some misunderstanding. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe it’s because I can’t give my whole heart to a person when a part of it belongs to somebody. Aside from change, I believe that love is another thing that is permanent.

I haven’t heard anything about Jeremy or Amanda all these years, and now I received an invitation from the two of them three weeks ago. They’re getting married… today. So, as a good friend, I drove back to our old place and meet the two of them. After eight years of zero communication, it was as if nothing has changed. The worst part of this is I’m the groom’s best man.

“I think I know how it feels,” Lance told me. “I was supposed to be the best man in my brother’s wedding few years ago.”

“What happened?” I asked.

He didn’t answer and just smiled at me.

*     *     *

I’m now sitting at the pews of the church, the girl I love standing at in front beside my best friend. I’m happy for them, but of course I can still feel the pain. I think the pain won’t leave for quite some time, but I want to believe that sooner or later, even if the feeling won’t fade, the pain won’t be that overwhelming.

I can’t help to think what could have happened if I told Amanda that I love her? I have no idea actually. Is she going to break up with Jeremy? If she did, then I’ll lose my best friend. Friendship and love are two things that go hand in hand, but sometimes you have to choose one because you can never have both.

After they exchange their vows and wore their wedding rings, Jeremy kissed Amanda and people clapped. Amanda’s aunt and uncle went to the newly wedded couple to congratulate them, followed by Jer’s parents. People are now crowding around the two of them, but I stayed where I am and I was thinking how to say goodbye, thinking for a good excuse. I was thinking of saying that I need to baby sit my sister’s baby but then I forgot about it when I saw Amanda walking towards me, grinning wide.

“Hiya Ben!” she said gleefully.

“Hullo Amanda,” I said.

“I’m so happy to see you, it’s been so long! How are you? I heard you had a girlfriend? How is she? Why didn’t you bring her here? Are you planning to get married soon? Or are you married already? Why didn’t you invite us? Man, are you working out? You look great, I see you’re biceps grew bigger!”

“Slow down Amanda! One question at a time,” I said. “Yes, I had a girlfriend, but we broke up three years ago, and no, I’m not married and I don’t think I will soon.”

She didn’t answer, she stared at me and just smiled. Her eyes, it seems like they’re saying something.

“And yes, I am working out.” I said when she didn’t say anything.

She put her arms around me and kissed my cheeks, “Thank you for coming. You’re my very best friend!” I put my arms around her too and she added “Nothing has ever changed.”

I let go of her and so did she. Jeremy came and he playfully punched my arm. “You came!”

“I came,” I said.

“You’re actually here!”

“Yeah,” I said. “Hey, listen, I need to go now because I need to go to school.”

“You’re studying again?” they both asked.

“No, what I mean is the school we’re running,” I said and explained what it is.

“This makes me feel like we didn’t see each other for years,” Jeremy said.

“It’s been eight years, actually,” I said.

“Oh, yeah, right.”

After saying goodbye, I left the church and went back to my car. As I turn the key and the car started, I remembered what Amanda said when she hugged me. Nothing has ever changed, I don’t want to think what she meant about it.

*     *     *

Five Years Later…

“Papa!” Beth shouted. She ran towards me, her brown, curly hair waving behind her. I lifted her small body when she got close to me and kissed her cheek. “Papa, look at this. Mama gave me a star.” She showed me her hand with a blue star stamped on it.

“Wow, that’s great Beth. I hope you didn’t use your charm to get a star from Mama. Your Mom wouldn’t like that,” I said.

“No, I answered a math equation right so Mama gave me this.”

“Aw, look at my little baby, growing up like his Papa.”

Beth was my sister and Karlo's daughter; she calls me papa and her teacher mama. Don’t laugh okay, her teacher is my wife.  I met Elaine few months after Amanda and Jeremy’s wedding. After four years of being together, we got married last month. Elaine was five years younger than me. I met her on the hospital when she took her friend whom she suspects that is having a heart attack. Her friend can’t move her fingers and is having shallow breaths. After I did my assessment, I gave her friend a brown bag.

“Ma’am, breathe on this brown bag for a few minutes,” I told her.

“Hey what?” Elaine reacted.  “My best friend is having a heart attack and you’re giving her a brown bag and just saying she has to breathe on that?”

I just stared at her as she ranted on me and other patients looked at me. “Ma’am, she’s just having a hyperventilation. Not a heart attack.”

After I explained what was her friend’s condition is, she just smiled and sat beside her friend – looking embarrassed.

After my shift, I went out of the hospital and waited for a cab, my car had all its tires flat. And I don’t know why. A silver car stopped in front of me. The window was open and I saw that it was Elaine who’s driving. 

“Hey,” she said like she’s some friend I was suppose to meet that night.

“Hello,” I said, feeling weird, and looking at her with a weird gaze.

“Want a ride home?” she asked.

“Uh, no,” I said casually.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know you and —”

“—and your parents told you not to talk to strangers?”

“When I was a kid, yes, but now that I’m an adult, no. I was about to say that you just embarrassed me six hours ago inside the ER and now I’m having a ride home in your car, I have feelings young lady.”

“That’s why I’m offering you to have a ride home in my car because I know what I did. And I’m sorry.”

I whistled on a cab that’s passing by. It stopped in front of her car and I ignored her.

The next day, I received a box of chocolate and a sorry note, and I received a box of chocolate everyday for two weeks. I don’t know if I’m going to laugh or think that she’s one desperate woman. After that, I asked her to come and watch a movie with me. Believe it or not, I didn’t court her at all, and she didn’t court me either. One day we woke up and realized that we’re already in a relationship.

After four years, I asked her to marry me and she agreed. And we lived happily ever after… in one month. Well, we’re newly wedded couple.

*      *     *

Two years later…

“Look at that little angel of yours inside mommy’s tummy,” the OB said. Elaine almost cried when she saw the baby on the monitor. Elaine is six months pregnant and she almost tripped when she discovered it. After her first check-up with her OB, she wants us to buy baby clothes and other stuff for the baby and she wants to decorate the baby’s room as soon as we got home.

“The baby won’t come out in nine months Elaine,” I reminded her.

“I know, but I want to make sure that her room is finished by the time she comes,”

“Her? Are you sure that the baby will be a girl?”

“I can feel it, call it a mother’s instinct.”

She was so excited for the baby. On the third month, I told her I’m going to hire an interior decorator so that we can start to decorate the baby’s room. She objected and said that she wants us to decorate the room ourselves. We painted the walls white and put different colors of mat in the floor, walls, and ceiling, the kind of mat you see on a preschool where kids roll, play and lay.

We filled the cabinets with baby clothes and put a couch beside the crib. We filled the couch with stuffed animals. Elaine always buys baby clothes whenever I took her out for a date. We make sure that we always have a date once a month, and soon I was hoping that after three months after, well have a date with our baby, but then it was impossible.

On her second month of pregnancy, the doctor told us that Elaine has a weak heart and she can’t have a baby. That devastated us both, but Elaine was determined. She wants to keep the baby.

“Elaine, if we continue, it might kill you,” I told her.

“I don’t care Ben. I want to have this baby.”

“It doesn’t matter if you deliver the baby because you might die in the end.”

“Might, there’s still that small possibility that I’ll live Ben, and I want to grab that possibility. No matter how small that chance is I still want to grab it. I want to give you a child, someone to look after you when you grow old, someone who’ll take care of you.”

I kissed her lips and held her close to me, and our thoughts drifted into nothing and let our hearts own the night.

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Chapter 8 - Best of Friends

Last week on college, graduation’s approaching.

All fourth year students are at school tonight, none of the staffs or faculty knew about this. This is a school tradition where graduating students from all departments will sneak in to the school and do all they want to do in the whole campus. Most of us are done vandalizing the locker rooms with water base paints, throwing tissue papers all over the hall, putting rat traps all over classrooms, putting liquid hand soaps on each door know, and some engineering students set up a trap that once someone has opened the gym, it will trigger a trap that will set all the cups filled with water based paints, oils, ketchup, mustard, fish sauce, mud, etc.

I saw some Accountancy Students running down the hall towards the guard house. I heard one of them saying “Time to have some revenge!” I want to join them. I want to have some revenge with the guards too. We don’t have agenda against guards. It’s just that our guards here at school just happen to act like super visors most of the time.

I entered men’s bathroom and saw Jan, Jerome, Ernesto and Jayson filling all urinals and toilet bowls with mud, vandalizing the walls, throwing rotten fruits everywhere. The bathroom smelled like there are rotting cadavers inside.

“Want to help us here?” Jan asked when he saw me.

“No,” I said. “If I stay five minutes inside this bathroom I will definitely smell like this.”

I went to the fourth floor and saw Amanda sticking different colors of paper. I pick some papers and helped her with what she was doing. She smiled at me, a simple smile that melted my heart even if it’s just a friendly smile.

“So how’s it going?” she asked me.

“Huh?” was all I had to say in confusion.

“I mean with the stuff you have to do tonight to vandalize the school,” she said.

I just smile. There was something odd with the smell here, the air smells like beer or some kind of liquor. “I was about to ignore it when I saw three cans of beer on the floor. “Did you drink those beer Amanda?”

“Yes,” she answered without even hesitating. “Don’t worry, I’m not drunk.”

“Not drunk after drinking three cans of beer? You’re drunk. Come on, I’ll bring you home,” I said.

Amanda just laughed. “Relax Ben! I’m okay.”

I never saw Amanda got drunk and I know something is wrong. “Why did you drink all those beer then?”

She didn’t answer.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Still, she didn’t answer.

“Okay, if you don’t want to talk about it now then maybe we can talk about it some other time.”

“It’s too hard for me, Ben,” Amanda finally said. “Especially that the graduation is only days away.”

“I know, everyone feels the same way, everyone has to live school to work. Going to school every day has been a part of their everyday life since they could remember,” I said.

“I’m not talking about graduating Ben. In fact, I’m excited,” she said.

“Then what is it?” I asked.

“It’s because I haven’t told someone how much I love him,” she said. “Even if I know how much he loves me.”

“Jeremy knows how you love him.”

“I’m not talking about Jeremy, Ben,” Amanda said furiously. “I’m talking about you!”

After hearing what she had said, I dropped the glue and the papers I was holding. There was nothing I could hear. I just stared at her with shock on my face. She just stared back at me, tears are about to fall from her eyes.

“I don’t know if it’s okay to tell you that now that I have a boyfriend, especially that he’s your best friend,” she said. “But I never wanted any of this to happen, and since I’ve told you what I feel towards you, I might as well tell you everything.

“Since the first day I saw you, when you are trying to park your bike beside mine, since we walked and talked together towards our first class that morning, I can’t keep you off my head. I can’t stop thinking about you, Ben. Maybe that’s the reason why you’re the first person that popped into my head to call when Peter and I broke up. I was so devastated that night that I want to talk to the person I feels most comfortable with.”

I just stared at her; I don’t know what to say. I never expected for her to say these things. I don’t even know if there’s something to say.

“And if I have some regrets,” she said, tears flowing down her cheeks. “If I have some regrets it’s not telling you then straightly that…”

For a moment, I thought she’s about to walk away, but she didn’t. She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. She closed her eyes and so did I and for once we felt like the world doesn’t exist, like nothing matters as long as we’re together. An eternity has passed and she let my lips go at last.

“I love you,” she whispered. She let go of me and picked up her things and walked slowly, she’s walking away from me.

“Amanda,” I called her name, but then I realized it’s not my mouth who called her, it was my heart that shouted her name so loud at it felt like the world heard it, and so she looked at me one last time. She heard me. She heard how my heart called her, she must have felt it.

*     *     *

Explosions of camera flashes are seen inside the gym as the graduating students (including me) are being called one by one to receive their diplomas on stage. Everyone who received a medal was busy taking pictures with them wearing their medals. The first fifty medals we’re purely academic awards, but then the next fifty is just for fun. Cloe, who always sleep on class since we’re first year, was given the medal for Most Sleepy Head award, Jayson got the Latest Boy award, AJ got the Best Prayer Leader award, Jerome got the Priest Choice award (given to those people whom the priest of the university said to have the characteristics to become one of them).

“Belleza, Kyle Benedict,” the dean called my name and I stood up and went to the stage and take my diploma.  It was my father who went to the stage with me to receive my diploma and while my sister and Mum took a picture, Dad whispered “Do you want me to get you an application form for military training?”

“No Dad,” I said coolly.

I went back to my chair and sit next to my classmates I saw Amanda going up to the stage with her uncle to receive her diploma. I smiled at her and she saw me and she smiled back.

After the ceremony, all of us gathered on the stage and took pictures of our whole class. When we realized that we’ve done all pose we know, we all started to hug and said our goodbyes. We’re all happy of course that we are all done with studying and a bit excited to work and earn our own money.

Amanda came to me, running, and she hugged me tight. “You’re my very best friend. I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too!” I said and hugged her back. I let her go before I got the slightest idea of not doing so. She obviously doesn’t remember what happened last night, but me being in a medical field knew that she remembers what she said and done.

Jeremy came and he hugged Amanda. Of course I’ve seen him doing that to her a hundred times but I still feel jealous, but I’ve learned how to deal with facts. He tapped my shoulders and said, “See you later!” and they both left.

I just look at Amanda. I wish I told her I love her too, and I am happy that she told me so. I stared at her as she walked away and thinking what would have happened if I told her how I feel.

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Okay Lang Ako

Gusto kong sumulat muli, isabay ang pag-ihip ng hangin at pagkampay ng pakpak ng paruparo sa hardin ang pagdaloy ng kaisipang nais lumawala sa isipang punung-puno ng iba’t ibang kaalamang may kaakibat ng emosyon.

Ilang taon na rin simula noong una kitang makilala. Nakaupo ka sa harapan ng silid aralan samantalang ako ay nakaupo sa bandang likuran. Bilang limang taong gulang, hindi ko naisip kung ano ang magiging parte mo sa buhay ko. May mga pagkakataong sumasagi sa isip ko na malaki ang magiging kaibahan ng buhay ko ngayon kung hindi kita nakilala. Pero paano ko pagsisisihan ang araw na nakilala kita kung iyon ang araw na nakilala ko ang babaeng minahal ko ng lubos.

Magkasama tayo halos araw-araw sa paaralan, magkasamang tumatawa, magkasalo sa bawat pagkain, magkasabwat sa bawat kalokohan, at pinagsasabihan ng mga sikreto. Napakasaya ng pagkabata ko, na-enjoy ko ang pagiging bata dahil naranasan ko halos lahat ng masasayang karanasan na dapat maranasan ng mga bata. Tumakbo, nagtago, naghabulan, at tumalon tayong magkasama, pero sa pagbagsak natin sa lupa, hindi ko inakalang sayo ang bagsak ko, nahulog agad ang puso ko para sa iyp.

Pero sa pagtungtong natin sa High School, nagkaboyfriend ka, at naiwan akong mag-isa. Napatunayan kong best friends lang tayo at hindi na aabot sa relasyong mas hihigit pa doon. Hindi mo lang alam kung paano ko pinipigilan ang pagsabok ng dibdib ko sa tuwing nakikita ko kayo, hindi mo alam kung gaano ako nasasaktan sa tuwing hawak niya ang mga kamay mo. Bakit hindi ako ang minahal mo? Bakit hindi ako na kilala mo na simula pagkabata? Bakit siya pa na nakilala mo lang sa kung saan? Sa tuwing nakikita ko ang mga titig sa akin ng mga kaibigan natin, alam kong may awa sa mga mata nila. Nagmahal ako ng babaeng hindi nararapat para sa akin, isang babaeng hanggang sa panaginip ko nalang mahahalikan.

Sa loob ng mga taong iyon na itinago ko ito, dumting din ako sap unto na kailangan kong sabihin sayo kung ano ka ba talaga sa buhay ko. Pero hindi ko inaakalang iyon pala ang sisira sa pagkakaibigang kay tagal kong inalagaan. Simula noong araw na yon, simula noong araw na sinabi ko sayo sa harap ng mga tao na mahal kita, hindi mo na ako tinitigan sa mga mata ko, hindi mo na ako pinadadalhan ng mensahe, hindi mo man lang ako makausap ng matino. Napakahirap kalimutan ang lahat, lalo na’t nagging parte ka ng halos buong buhay ako. Ang dami kong pinagdaanan para lang kalimutan ka.

Noong nagcollege na tayo, natutunan ko ding mabuhay nang wala ka, pero aaminin ko na napakahirap ng mga pinagdaanan ko, pero okay lang ako. Nabalitaan kong wala na kayo ng boyfriend mo, nagbakasakali akong baka pwedeng maging tayo naman. Pero makalipas ang ilang buwan, may bagong dumating sa buhay mo. Hindi ko nalang tatanungin kung sino siya sa buhay mo, baka hindi ko matanggap ang isasagot mo. Pero siguro, kung may maganda man siyang idinulot sa buhay natin, iyon ay simula noong nakilala mo siya, kinausap mo na ulit ako. Nakikita ko ang effort mong ibalik ang lahat sa dati. Pero natatakot  ako, baka bigla ka na naming umalis sa buhay ko at iwan akong nasasaktan. Masaya na ako sa ganito, andito ka man o wala, iniisip mo man ako o hindi. Okay na ako, humihinga pa naman at kahit ang daming benda at tahi ng puso ko, tumitibok pa naman siya. At kung sa kaling may magtanong sayo kung kumusta na ako, sabihin mo nalang na okay na ako.

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